“You must understand: we are at war” - TV commercial for Kobalt 40-volt outdoor power tools 

“Our enemy will feel the bite of our iron. Kill them!” - TV commercial for Scotts EcoSense Weed-Be-Gone

A grass lawn is useless. The roots of lawn grasses are too shallow to prevent soil erosion, and the plants themselves provide nothing to pollinators. They require tremendous amounts of water to keep alive. Perhaps most perversely, they are useless by design: the origins of the grass lawn can be traced to displays of wealth by the British aristocracy, where they communicated “look at me! I’m so rich I can literally waste land.” 

This uselessness must be preserved at all costs. If a dandelion (early food for pollinators, edible to humans, deep taproot that helps remediate soil) infiltrates, you have failed to maintain order in your kingdom. It must be destroyed with maximum prejudice, lest neighboring fiefdoms perceive weakness (or you receive a passive-aggressive letter from the HOA). Keep all growth in check. If you need a reminder of your mission objectives, study your neighbor’s lawn. Yours should look identical, yet somehow slightly greener. Remember the words of General Kobalt, “We are at war!”